Unhealthy Agreements

So I have been reading Eldredge’s book on Walking with God and he talks about being cautious about the agreements we make with ourselves because they can have life long consequences. He tells the story about himself feeling unloved because of an incident of pain that scarred him years earlier. This incident led him to make an agreement with himself that he was not loved or lovable. As I read that, I realized that I have made similar agreements with myself over the years.

One such incident was when I was in my late teens. I was with my friends and we were hosting a year end kegger to end all keggers! We had invited about a hundred people to come to our party. I however was just hoping for one person to come. I had invited this girl with whom I was obsessed with. As the night wore on it was evident that not only were the 100 or so guests we had invited were not coming but that this special person I had invited was not going to show. I was drinking pretty heavily and I can be a happy drunk or a miserably sad drunk. Take a guess as to which person was being observed that evening.

By about 9 pm my friends had driven me home with me expressing my sadness over the fact that she did not show. And then it happened. My friend Brad was looking at me in our hallway when he saw me have this glassy look in my eye. And it all went blank. I passed out and fell flat on my face. No arms out to brace my fall against the cement floor. My face bounced off the floor and pain shot through my mouth. Immediately I was awake and Brad helped me to my feet. The look of shock on his face is still a memory I can see today. He exclaimed, “You busted your front teeth!” And then the moment of truth came and I cried out, “Now no one will love me!”

I used to tell this story in a self deprecating kind of way to say just how silly I was. Or that I was this romantic and ended up as the Charlie Brown kind of guy with girls. Today I don’t see it that way. Today I am asking myself did that statement….did that agreement affect all my relationships after that? I think in some ways it may have. I have had a hard time over the years thinking that I could be loved as I am. That I could be accepted as I am warts and all. Certainly this one incident is not the only agreement in this regard that I have made. But is is one of those poignant moments that has stuck with me.

So today I am going to pray and ask Jesus to heal that broken place. I stand in agreement with God and reject any lie that I have spoken over myself or that others have spoken over me. I ask you God to give me a clear vision and understanding of your love for me and that I am lovable. Break off any attachment of those words which are lies from my life. Shine your light on me and bring holiness and healing to my inmost places. Thank you God for your great love and mercy.