My Broken Brain

My brain is broken. I don’t know if it was when I was a child if my parents had dropped me or as a teen when that boy at school gave me a concussion by throwing me up against a brick wall. The point is: my brain is broken. How do I know this? Because in many ways I am ruled by emotions and do not lead them. I have gotten myself into lots of trouble over the years because I felt before I thought. I have always believed that my strong emotions were strength of mine and something to be celebrated. After all, I am not one of those emotionless guys who doesn’t have any feelings. I often enjoy a good chick flick!

The problem though is that my emotions often rule my life and guide my decisions. They color my viewpoint and their influence is not always helpful. At times they can limit my ability to see other perspectives and to think positively. Today for instance is one of those days.

Today I feel quite sad and sadness is an emotion that I do not like. Sadness seems to sap me of my energy and desire to be with others. I want to hide in my room curl up in my bed and sleep it away. Unfortunately I am at work and that is not possible. It makes my day almost unbearable. I have trouble focusing on anything and redirecting myself is such a chore. I know by the end of the day I will feel like I just went twelve rounds with Evander Holyfield.

I know there are choices I can make right now to call for help and to obtain the resources to battle this with others. I just don’t want to. Part of it is embarrassment. Part of it is perhaps ego and a sense of self sufficiency. Yes..I recognize how stupid that sounds. But didn’t I just tell you that my brain is broken?

I wish I didn’t have this brain. I am so tired of this continual struggle with emotional highs and lows. Impulsivity. The fight to maintain a sense of well being and happiness. God I wish it were not so. I pray that my kids never struggle like this. My fear is that they will because of my screwed up genes and the example of their dad that they have lived with. I have thought about suicide more times than I can count and I would never want my kids to have to continually deal with those oppressive thoughts. (And “no” even though I brought it up I am not thinking of committing suicide) The point is, that I have thought about it since I was a teenager and my kids are becoming teens and it scares the hell out of me to think my influence may have shaped them to think such things.

I want to go medicate with a Big Mac. I want to go home and sleep. I want to hide. I feel like a failure and that it is all hopeless. Why does life have to be such a struggle? Where are you God? Why do you not hear me? Why can’t you just make it all go away? You promised never to leave or forsake me. I feel forsaken. God help me to lead and not be led by my emotions. Or better yet…you lead them! But please speak up so I can hear.