I Dreamed A Dream

I had a dream my life would be


So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.  From Les Miserable.


i was listening to this again today. There is something in this haunting tune and the words that I resonate with. I have been thinking about my calling. My calling as a pastor was something I received just over 20 yearsa ago now and it seems to have gone off the rails. I remember my experience with God very clearly. I had a Dream my life would be...so much different from where it has taken me. I would not charactorize my current existence as hell but it certainly is not what I imagined all those years ago. I am not as I imagined all those years ago. My accomplishments, my parenting, my friendships, my career and my calling are not what I imagined them to be.
I am not who I used to be. There is no going back. I have made mistakes and some cannot be undone. I can only go from here. But somehow I am left with a feeling that I have missed the mark. That I have failed. That I should have chosen differently. I am also left with a terrible feeling that all that I previously invested my life in has not brought about the results, the fulfillment that I thought it would. I thought I poured my life out for something and it appears that I did not make a difference.