Thursday, February 25, 2010

You're The One that I Want

I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control

Cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'

You better shape up, cause I need a man,

and my heart is set on you

You better shape up, you better understand,

to my heart I must be true

Nothing left, nothing left for me to do

[Chorus:] You're the one that I want

(you are the one I want), ooh ooh ooh, honey

The one that I want (you are the one I want),

ooh ooh ooh, honey

The one that I want (you are the one I want),

ooh ooh ooh, honey

The one I need (the one I need),

oh yes indeed (yes indeed)

If you're filled with affection, 'n you're too shy to convey

Meditate my direction, feel your way I better shape up,

cause you need a man I need a man,

who can keep me satisfied I better shape up,

if I'm gonna prove

You better prove, that my fate is justified

Are you sure?

Yes I'm sure down deep inside

[chorus repeats out]

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Devil in my Donut

“there is not a devil under every rock” is perhaps one of the most insidious lies that the enemy can tell us. As people who follow Jesus there are some of us who insist that while there is a Spirit World, we do not have to worry because it doesn’t really affect us hence: there is not a devil under every rock. But what if this is not true?

What if there is an actual devil under ever rock and subsequently a lot more spiritual activity taking place than we would like to admit? What if there are demons who vie for control or a place in our lives each and every day? What if there is a constant warring of spiritual beings going on around us that we just don’t see?

I am becoming convinced that there is a lot more spiritual forces who are at work than I realize. And to believe the lie that “there is not a devil under every rock” is to make an agreement that plays into the hands of the enemy.

Recently I have been praying about the forces that have consumed me when I am experiencing heavy circumstances. I ask God “Is something attacking me? Who is it Lord?” And God has given me the “names” of the demons that are attacking me. Then I resist the enemy by verbally confessing my need of God and that the powers of darkness have no place in my life.

I know it sounds pretty nuts!

But I have to tell you that I have experienced immediate freedom from a number of negative forces that were assailing me in the moment. Forces with names like: Despair, discouragement, lying and lust have all been pushed back and cast aside.

Today I am reminded to take my thoughts captive and be wary of the agreements I make with myself. Those agreement may just be the opening that the enemy needs to rob you of your joy!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Unhealthy Agreements

So I have been reading Eldredge’s book on Walking with God and he talks about being cautious about the agreements we make with ourselves because they can have life long consequences. He tells the story about himself feeling unloved because of an incident of pain that scarred him years earlier. This incident led him to make an agreement with himself that he was not loved or lovable. As I read that, I realized that I have made similar agreements with myself over the years.

One such incident was when I was in my late teens. I was with my friends and we were hosting a year end kegger to end all keggers! We had invited about a hundred people to come to our party. I however was just hoping for one person to come. I had invited this girl with whom I was obsessed with. As the night wore on it was evident that not only were the 100 or so guests we had invited were not coming but that this special person I had invited was not going to show. I was drinking pretty heavily and I can be a happy drunk or a miserably sad drunk. Take a guess as to which person was being observed that evening.

By about 9 pm my friends had driven me home with me expressing my sadness over the fact that she did not show. And then it happened. My friend Brad was looking at me in our hallway when he saw me have this glassy look in my eye. And it all went blank. I passed out and fell flat on my face. No arms out to brace my fall against the cement floor. My face bounced off the floor and pain shot through my mouth. Immediately I was awake and Brad helped me to my feet. The look of shock on his face is still a memory I can see today. He exclaimed, “You busted your front teeth!” And then the moment of truth came and I cried out, “Now no one will love me!”

I used to tell this story in a self deprecating kind of way to say just how silly I was. Or that I was this romantic and ended up as the Charlie Brown kind of guy with girls. Today I don’t see it that way. Today I am asking myself did that statement….did that agreement affect all my relationships after that? I think in some ways it may have. I have had a hard time over the years thinking that I could be loved as I am. That I could be accepted as I am warts and all. Certainly this one incident is not the only agreement in this regard that I have made. But is is one of those poignant moments that has stuck with me.

So today I am going to pray and ask Jesus to heal that broken place. I stand in agreement with God and reject any lie that I have spoken over myself or that others have spoken over me. I ask you God to give me a clear vision and understanding of your love for me and that I am lovable. Break off any attachment of those words which are lies from my life. Shine your light on me and bring holiness and healing to my inmost places. Thank you God for your great love and mercy.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Turn to Him

Matthew 13:15 (New Living Translation)
15 For the hearts of these people are hardened,
and their ears cannot hear,
and they have closed their eyes—
so their eyes cannot see,
and their ears cannot hear,
and their hearts cannot understand,
and they cannot turn to me
and let me heal them.

My Broken Brain

My brain is broken. I don’t know if it was when I was a child if my parents had dropped me or as a teen when that boy at school gave me a concussion by throwing me up against a brick wall. The point is: my brain is broken. How do I know this? Because in many ways I am ruled by emotions and do not lead them. I have gotten myself into lots of trouble over the years because I felt before I thought. I have always believed that my strong emotions were strength of mine and something to be celebrated. After all, I am not one of those emotionless guys who doesn’t have any feelings. I often enjoy a good chick flick!

The problem though is that my emotions often rule my life and guide my decisions. They color my viewpoint and their influence is not always helpful. At times they can limit my ability to see other perspectives and to think positively. Today for instance is one of those days.

Today I feel quite sad and sadness is an emotion that I do not like. Sadness seems to sap me of my energy and desire to be with others. I want to hide in my room curl up in my bed and sleep it away. Unfortunately I am at work and that is not possible. It makes my day almost unbearable. I have trouble focusing on anything and redirecting myself is such a chore. I know by the end of the day I will feel like I just went twelve rounds with Evander Holyfield.

I know there are choices I can make right now to call for help and to obtain the resources to battle this with others. I just don’t want to. Part of it is embarrassment. Part of it is perhaps ego and a sense of self sufficiency. Yes..I recognize how stupid that sounds. But didn’t I just tell you that my brain is broken?

I wish I didn’t have this brain. I am so tired of this continual struggle with emotional highs and lows. Impulsivity. The fight to maintain a sense of well being and happiness. God I wish it were not so. I pray that my kids never struggle like this. My fear is that they will because of my screwed up genes and the example of their dad that they have lived with. I have thought about suicide more times than I can count and I would never want my kids to have to continually deal with those oppressive thoughts. (And “no” even though I brought it up I am not thinking of committing suicide) The point is, that I have thought about it since I was a teenager and my kids are becoming teens and it scares the hell out of me to think my influence may have shaped them to think such things.

I want to go medicate with a Big Mac. I want to go home and sleep. I want to hide. I feel like a failure and that it is all hopeless. Why does life have to be such a struggle? Where are you God? Why do you not hear me? Why can’t you just make it all go away? You promised never to leave or forsake me. I feel forsaken. God help me to lead and not be led by my emotions. Or better yet…you lead them! But please speak up so I can hear.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Dream On

Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It goes by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life
is in books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools and
from sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

Yeah, sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On

Sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
Sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away......